speak

drop

when you know it is there
you can't do anything
you fall
       you cry
             you try
                     
why is it so hard to go on with your life?
each passing moon
       each rising sun
                each turn

you can't do this
you can't feel anything
    
                                                numb.

Where do you go from here?
          Where do you love?
                      who?

Why do you try?

Is it worth it?

Are you sure you can be this person?

Why are you crying?
Why are you bleeding?

Stop

Don't do this

You can fix this

You can make it better

are you sure this is what you want?

I'll miss your broken smile

health

Vent

Endometriosis sucks.

Fibromyalgia sucks.

Bipolar Disorder sucks

Fibro and Endo BOTH  make me feel so sick all of the time.  They make me feel constant pain. Usually I can just smile through the illness and pain, but today I just feel  like crying about it. I could not stay at work today because my stomach is upset from them. I can’t eat what I want. I have yet to find the perfect combination of foods to eat that will prevent my gastroenterological issues.  This just makes me sadder than I already am. More depressed. More angry. More emotional.

Why can’t this be easier?

Why can’t there be a cure for  these issues?

 

 

 

Why me?

 

 

Chronic and mental illnesses really fucking suck.

words

Hold On

Tonight I was sitting and talking to my best friend, and how things used to be came up.

That’s always a hard subject.

I went through such a hard time emotionally. Not many people realize this.

I attempted suicide once and failed.

I used to cut, and I have scars from it.

Through everything, I see now that I would not be who I am today without the troubles.

I hit rock bottom twice. The second time I was seriously contemplating suicide, this song, saved my life. It made me see that things are not that bad. That everyone has their problems. Good Charlotte is the reason why I am alive today, as silly as that sounds. THIS SONG, is why I am alive today.

 

 

 

 

This world
This world is cold
But you don’t
You don’t have to go
You’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
Your mother’s gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they’re way too long
And your nights
You can’t sleep at all
Hold on
And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for, but you don’t want to know more
And you’re not sure what you’re looking for, but you don’t want to know more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don’t stop looking, you’re one step closer
Don’t stop searching, it’s not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you’re doing to me?
Go ahead…What are you waiting for?

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don’t stop looking, you’re one step closer
Don’t stop searching, it’s not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on

words

One of Those Days

Today I am having one of those don’t-wanna-move-off-the-couch-hate-myself-hate-my-life-i’m-pathetic days…well…weeks! I am trying to figure out what put me in this funk. All I have been doing is sleeping. I did go to my first class yesterday but just felt so down that I could not go to my other two classes so I went home and slept. I’ve tried doing homework…fail. I tried picking up my guitar to practice that some…fail. I tried reading MY FAVORITE THING TO DO…fail. Sigh. I just need to be cuddled.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to the doctor and get back on my medication for bipolar disorder. I really can’t take my down days. I welcome my manic days with open arms…minus the no sleep part…but I can’t tolerate these depressed days anymore.

I need to be on a beach somewhere trying to relax.