speak

drop

when you know it is there
you can't do anything
you fall
       you cry
             you try
                     
why is it so hard to go on with your life?
each passing moon
       each rising sun
                each turn

you can't do this
you can't feel anything
    
                                                numb.

Where do you go from here?
          Where do you love?
                      who?

Why do you try?

Is it worth it?

Are you sure you can be this person?

Why are you crying?
Why are you bleeding?

Stop

Don't do this

You can fix this

You can make it better

are you sure this is what you want?

I'll miss your broken smile

health

Vent

Endometriosis sucks.

Fibromyalgia sucks.

Bipolar Disorder sucks

Fibro and Endo BOTH  make me feel so sick all of the time.  They make me feel constant pain. Usually I can just smile through the illness and pain, but today I just feel  like crying about it. I could not stay at work today because my stomach is upset from them. I can’t eat what I want. I have yet to find the perfect combination of foods to eat that will prevent my gastroenterological issues.  This just makes me sadder than I already am. More depressed. More angry. More emotional.

Why can’t this be easier?

Why can’t there be a cure for  these issues?

 

 

 

Why me?

 

 

Chronic and mental illnesses really fucking suck.

words

Comfort

image

Driving down back roads at night will always comfort me.
I grew up in Smithfield, Virginia.
It’s the place I go when I feel sad.
It is where I go when I need to relax.
It is where I go when I miss my parents.
Whenever I feel stressed, I drive.
I prefer back roads in Smithfield.
I know them like the back of my hand.
They are instant stress relief for me.
Driving under the stars.
No streetlights.
Only my headlights, showing me where to turn next.

Relief.

Could Smithfield be more comforting?

words

One of Those Days

Today I am having one of those don’t-wanna-move-off-the-couch-hate-myself-hate-my-life-i’m-pathetic days…well…weeks! I am trying to figure out what put me in this funk. All I have been doing is sleeping. I did go to my first class yesterday but just felt so down that I could not go to my other two classes so I went home and slept. I’ve tried doing homework…fail. I tried picking up my guitar to practice that some…fail. I tried reading MY FAVORITE THING TO DO…fail. Sigh. I just need to be cuddled.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to the doctor and get back on my medication for bipolar disorder. I really can’t take my down days. I welcome my manic days with open arms…minus the no sleep part…but I can’t tolerate these depressed days anymore.

I need to be on a beach somewhere trying to relax.