You fell asleep sitting in the chair beside me. Your mouth was bothering you a lot so you kept chewing your dummy even though you were asleep. You fight sleep a lot now so I was glad you were asleep. Your new favorite thing to do is screech!
Lately, I have not felt like myself at all. I’m very irritable. I’m exhausted. I’m mean. I’m physically ill. I’m in even more pain than I could have ever imagined. I know that this has everything to do with me being pregnant. I’m in my 9th and final month right now. I have THIRTY DAYS left until my due date. This excites me and scares me tremendously. We have everything we need to welcome Maxine to the world now…I think. I’m sure I won’t know for sure until she gets here. I’m already one centimeter dilated and thinning out. I really hope that she doesn’t wait until October 12th to come. I want her to come after September 21st though. I’ve already been having contractions. Since they are not regular, there is no point in going back to labor and delivery because they will just send me home. I’m crying a lot due to how miserable I am all the time. Those huge kicks assure me that all of this misery is for an incredible reason.
There is one thing that has driven me completely BONKERS this pregnancy, especially since I’ve been showing big time. THE ADVICE. Oh goodness. I know that not everyone realizes that I have been working with children for a decade of my like. I know that everyone thinks their advice and tips are the best. I know that everyone is an expert on children. Seriously though, unless I ASK you for advice or for your labor story (which I do ask sometimes!!) I DON’T WANT THE INPUT. I know that kids poop, spit, vomit, scratch, cry, eat, breathe, EXIST. I know that!!! I mean anyone with a brain knows that kids do this. I know that I’m huge, look tired, look sick, will have a hard time sleeping, will be in tons of pain during labor, and no, I don’t know if I want an epidural or not. Stop telling me that I do or don’t need one! I realize that labor is different for everyone. I realize that pregnancy is different for everyone. Why can’t everyone else?
I think my “favorite” unwanted advice is “sleep now, you can kiss that goodbye once the baby comes.” People fail to realize that I already DON’T sleep–especially during a manic episode. I’ve been running on next to no sleep for years! Even when I tell them I have a hard time sleeping more than three hours at a time anyway, they feel the need to tell me how different it is when the kid is waking you up. They also think that my husband won’t be helping with the baby for some reason. I don’t understand that. Just because YOUR husband was a douchenozzle and didn’t help you care for your infant, does not mean that my husband will be the same way. It is already obvious that my husband is going to be very caring and helpful, especially since he has been known to roll out of bed at 4:00 AM after going to sleep at 3:00 just to help his very pregnant wife out of the bed so she can pee!
People also get very offended when they ask me how I’m feeling and I reply with the truth. I FEEL HORRIBLE. PREGNANCY IS THE WORST. I mean, what do they want me to say? That I feel amazing and I want to be pregnant for the rest of my LIFE? No. I feel like shit. Pregnancy is not pleasant at all for me. I can’t wait until the baby is here. No, I’m not joking.
Everyone has their own opinions about raising a child. I have not been fully open with my plans for parenting because everyone is right and if you don’t do it their way, you are wrong. This is my plan: Breastfeeding and pumping, but supplementing with formula as needed. For example, if my husband needs to feed the baby, but he needs to have something quick, he will use some room temp water and formula powder. I’m sure people are like FORMULA IS POISON and then others are like BREASTFEEDING IS HORRIBLE. IT MAKES DUMB BABIES (seriously, I’ve heard that.) Who cares! As long as the baby is getting fed, I see zero issue with what I plan to do. Room sharing with a bassinet beside the bed for the first few months and the crib in the room as well for those later infant months. There is nothing wrong with this either. Some people say that having a kid in the room ruins intimacy with couples. I don’t see how it would. If anything, I’m sure I will feel more in love with my husband and want him even more especially knowing what can come of it. Early potty training. I feel that once my child starts walking, and can start to understand and verbally dictate when she is wet/poopy, she can be potty trained. Vaccinations will be given. For some reason, this is a HUGE argument between people. If you don’t want to vaccinate your kid, don’t. Just don’t tell me I am harming my child by doing so. My child will be fine. I was fine. My friend’s kid is fine. That kid over there is fine. No that child with the mental disability did not get it from the vaccine, he was born that way. There are other things that I plan on doing as well and some things that I don’t plan on doing for my own personal reasons. I don’t bash people because they do things differently. I praise them for marching to the beat of their own drummer.
Well, this definitely turned out to be longer than I anticipated haha! Here is the tl;dr version:
One month until my due date!
I’m 1cm dilated and my cervix is thinning out!
Your pregnancy advice is unwanted unless I ask for it!
I already don’t sleep, so stop telling me that I won’t after the baby comes!
If you ask me how I feel, I will tell you the truth!
I’m raising my child how I want and you can’t change that!
I dream all of the time. I normally just remember bits and pieces here and there, but last night’s dream woke me up in a cold sweat and my heart was racing. It may have a lot to do with the fact that I am sick and I had a fever. I had a nightmare.
It started with us being in a new house that was pretty old. I guess we had just moved in because there were a lot of boxes around the room. I sat up in bed because I heard the door blow open downstairs and said “Marvin, the wind blew the door open, can you go close it? The wind is blowing pretty hard.”
Well when he went downstairs, there was someone downstairs who had broken in! The guy yelled at him and they got into a scuffle and I heard a gunshot. Marvin was not hurt and neither was the other guy but the intruder’s gun going off was enough to make him run away. When I heard the guy’s voice, I called the police and they were just arriving when the guy ran outside to get away and he was immediately arrested. What a relief!
That was a super scary dream. One of my biggest fears is someone breaking into our home. I am so glad that was just a dream but man, that woke me up in a panic!
Today I am having one of those don’t-wanna-move-off-the-couch-hate-myself-hate-my-life-i’m-pathetic days…well…weeks! I am trying to figure out what put me in this funk. All I have been doing is sleeping. I did go to my first class yesterday but just felt so down that I could not go to my other two classes so I went home and slept. I’ve tried doing homework…fail. I tried picking up my guitar to practice that some…fail. I tried reading MY FAVORITE THING TO DO…fail. Sigh. I just need to be cuddled.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to the doctor and get back on my medication for bipolar disorder. I really can’t take my down days. I welcome my manic days with open arms…minus the no sleep part…but I can’t tolerate these depressed days anymore.
I need to be on a beach somewhere trying to relax.
Waking up with a migraine was not what I wanted. I took a pain pill and here it is 6 hours later and I am just waking back up. I missed two classes today. I will definitely be at my Calculus class though. I have a test tomorrow because I can’t take it Thursday.
My head is still killing me, this is the second time in just 3 days that I have had a migraine. I really do not want this to start becoming a weekly occurrence again. It had been a full six months since my last migraine.